Reviewing the Reviewers

Ok, here’s the story...I was approached by a friend to start writing movie reviews. In the typical sarcastic tone, that I tend to sport on a regular, “What do I know from movie reviews?” 

“What is there to fucking know...watch the movie...write a review...press send...DONE!” this is the sage advice that I am given, so I make the sound choice to do some research.

I’ve never been one to care what another person thinks about anything, let alone some ass who gets paid to watch movies, but, I need some context. So I jump in feet first...movie review blogs, newspaper reviews, shit, I even started to catch those goofy 5 minute “flicks on the fly” type local news pieces, you know the ones, the filler pieces between the 8th weather update, and the ass interviewing Pearl, cause she is tired of the construction on Main Street keeping her up at night.

They all fall into 3 styles of approach.

1. The Film Critic. This is the asshole who took a film course, read a ton of books about “the method”, and “Film Noir”, and fancies himself a film expert (tell me something, how can you be an expert of film. Do you have more trivial board game knowledge then anyone else...then and only then can you say “I am a film expert”). This guy write using twenty dollar words to describe idiotic “blockbuster films”, and has a field day with slow moving pretentious films, cause they all employ such “vision”, and “grit”. Gritty vision= Shitty Picture.
2. The Everyman. This is the dude who figures, he watches enough movies, that his opinion counts. The main problem with this goofus, is that he usually beats the shit out of the films that fall outside of his chosen genre of expertise. These action hungry tards tend to discuss the “thrill ride”, or the fucking “tour de force” that the viewer is about to engage in...all in all it adds up to...nerds loving special effects...or virgins loving twilight.
3. The Asshole. Ya well, this is the guy who finds fault in every film ever made. Every director is a hack. Every star, overpriced. The asshole is usually right, but the issue is, there are a lot of shitty movies that we all love, mostly due to the fact that they are the “right type of shitty”. I love being critical of others (case and point, this article), but there has to be a point where we all admit that, while, yes it sucked...I liked it’s technique, and it got me off. There are bad blow jobs, but those are the one’s we don’t talk about.

Now, while I can appreciate that styles are styles, I have a problem with all film critics, no matter which category they fall under. Each and every review I have read has one fatal flaw...each reviewer seems to think that it is a good idea to provide a synopsis of the film before an opinion is rendered.

Why?

It is my understanding that the reason one reads a movie review is to ascertain whether the movie is worth watching, or more to the point, is the movie worth paying to see. I don’t read a review to read the plot of the movie. So why the fuck do the reviewers of the world figure it is a good idea to explain every little bit and piece of the fucking movie...are you all telling the world that you are incapable of critiquing a film, without running through the majority of the plot?

Here’s an Idea...

Take some fucking notes...highlight the shit you thought was good...tell us what was shit, then...BADA BING...make a fucking recommendation! 

That is all that is required of you...be pompous, tell us about the “mason scene”, and the “Wells-ion approach to camera movement”...tickle my nuts with pretentious pros that would make a turtle neck wearing professor cream his fucking jeans...but do it without giving away the whole fucking movie...its bad enough that the trailers and previews, and gossip sites tell the entire planet everything you every wanted to know about a film, before it is even completed, now we have to deal with moron reviews telling us the story before we see it.

Do your job...review the film...and then shut the fuck up!